My husband and I are emerging from a slough of despair concerning our marriage. It was ugly. Anger, bitterness, hostility, distancing, accusing, and grieving became our companions. Weeks of intensive therapy and months of follow up only left us further apart. We were separated for almost three years.
Finally we found our way back under the same roof. Even then it was not an ideal situation (a compatible roommates scenario at best). How on earth does a Pastor and Pastor’s wife get to this kind of extreme dysfunction? Especially when they had the model family for so many years?
How we got there is not the point of this blog. How we are picking up the pieces and fighting our way back into each other’s arms is the point. It’s taken a much needed renovation of the heart for me.
All I know is that our relationship failure caused me to do some serious soul searching. I had to deal with my own wounds and demons. I had to deal with my own irrational and ungodly patterns of relating. God exposed me – to myself. Not pretty.
God showed me that I was putting a lot of burden on Rick to be for me what only God could be. Then God loved on me. He held me, rocked me, sang to me, taught me, corrected me and pointed out my sin. My dirty, rotten, stinky, sinful heart that demands others to love me like I want.
He took all that filthiness and placed it on His son, Jesus. He brutally beat Jesus for my iniquities – for my unlove. Jesus took the punishment that I deserved. Now I stand forgiven. Not just forgiven – cleansed. Not just cleansed – renewed.
Then He taught me a better way. The way of love – His style of love – unconditional.
Now God and I are moving forward with a new energy – to be like Christ. To give up my life in order to find it. To love like He loves – without expecting anything in return. To assume the posture of a servant.
“Kinsey girl,” God says, “If you don’t love, you are nothing but a bunch of noise. No matter how many people you counsel, disciple, teach, train, mentor, evangelize, or coach . . .it means nothing to me if you don’t love.” Then He throws in the kicker, “The way you love those closest to you, the ones you live with – that’s the true measure of your soul.” Ouch. It’s so much easier to love people you don’t have to go home with.
So, I accepted the challenge that God laid out. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been seamless. But it has been miraculous. And guess what? He’s right. You really do find life when you set your own needs and desires aside, when you put someone else’s’ needs above your own.
My faltering commitment to love is now paying off in huge dividends. Rick and I are doing better than we have in years. We are laughing, playing, praying, and crying together.
God is our biggest cheerleader, “Atta girl!” “Atta boy.” “Love him girl! Love her boy! This gives me pure delight.” I can hear Him laughing and I hug Him tight. . .
because He made it possible.
Today is Good Friday – the day my sins pinned Jesus to the cross. To say I’m grateful is an understatement.
Today I honor Him with this story. He is in the business of redeeming and restoring broken people and broken marriages.
Thank you Abba. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Spirit.
May the lamb that was slain receive the rewards of His sufferings.
I love you,
Kinsey girl