“Your position is no longer needed. Your position is no longer wanted. What you do for this organization is not necessary.” That’s what I was told in a roundabout way, after pouring my heart and soul into a ministry for over 4 years. Ouch.
It hurt even worse to hear it from a man who never saw me perform my job, never asked me a question, and never listened to my heart’s vision for the organization. Without a single howdy do I was out. Dismissed by a new Director. Finished. Done.
It made as much sense as a new coach to a football team assigning different positions to each player without ever seeing them play or knowing their specific strengths and talents. Like saying to the quarterback, “You’re on defense now.” What?
I was furious. Listening to my new boss tell me why my position was no longer needed and why he was qualified to make such a decision, I wanted to jump across the desk and strangle him. And that’s only the reaction I feel free to share.
Instead, I remained calm and tried to interject some reason; I soon realized it was a lost cause. There was no reasoning with this man. There was no receptivity to anything I had to say. His mind was made up before the meeting. So, I respectfully declined to work for him in a lateral position, walked out to my car, and left the organization for good. I would never play football on that team again. Life, as I knew it, was over.
During the months that followed, I wrestled with a lot of conversations in my head, “Let me tell you a thing or two mister . . .you don’t know what you are talking about. You’re missing what God is doing here. Your focus is all wrong. . .” You know, those crazy head conversations that leave you drained and frustrated, and won’t let you sleep.
After months of praying, journaling, and choosing to forgive (over and over) . . . I finally found a measure of peace. God is in control. He knew this would happen. It’s all good. Or so I thought until the scene would replay in my head and that crazy anger re-surged. Gah! Come on man, I want to be free of this!
At last, I am. Let me tell you what happened.
Jesus Addressed My Desire
I had a prayer minister work with me on this matter. “Kinsey,” he asked, “What is it that you really want? What is your heart’s desire in this situation?” After some questioning from him, I realized that the bottom line desire was for justice. I didn’t like that Dave* could come in and get away with his ridiculous, organizational-sabotaging ideas and methods. How dare he dismiss the heart and soul of the ministry? How dare he disregard what God had done so powerfully in the years before his arrival?
“Kinsey,” the prayer minister coached, “Take your desire for justice to Jesus, ask Jesus how He is providing justice in this situation.” So I did.
And God spoke to me at the deepest level of my heart’s desire:
Kinsey girl, I appreciate your zeal for the honor of my name. You remind me of my servant Phineas who ran the spear through the couple that was blatantly disobeying my commands (Num. 25:8). I loved his zeal too, and I honored him for that. But Kinsey, I don’t need you to protect me, my work, or my reputation. I don’t need you to make things right or to execute justice on my behalf. I can take care of myself. Your zeal moves me deeply dear girl, but let me show you what I’ve done about this situation . . .
Justice, my love, has already been served. Phineas drove the spear through the couple, but I drove the spear through my son. Take a moment to let that sink in. Kinsey, you can put your spear down! I punished my son for everything wrong that Dave has done. I punished Jesus for Dave’s arrogance, ignorance, and narcissism. I punished Jesus for your arrogance, ignorance, and narcissism. Jesus endured brutal punishment for the both of you. ‘And when he looked at all He had accomplished by His anguish, He was satisfied. Many were made righteous, because He bore their sins.’ (Is. 53:11)
So you see darling? Justice has been served. When you fight for the honor of my name, be sure to temper it with love, grace, and mercy – as I do. Dave is broken man. As are you. Be merciful to Dave for his brokenness. He rehearses his accomplishments because his deep desire is to be recognized – he needs to feel that he matters. He matters very much to me. He is precious to me, dearly loved, accepted, righteous, and holy. As are you. Full of deep, passionate desires that go unfulfilled. Draw deep from me dear one. Let me fill you up. Don’t think for a moment that Dave can hinder the work I set out to do. My word has gone out for thousands of generations and every time someone tries to extinguish it, it just gets louder. Hasn’t history revealed this? Opposition actually serves to advance my cause! Go figure that one out sweetie!”
My response:
Oh Papa, you are so amazing!! Forgive me for allowing my zeal to overtake your throne. For thinking that I’m better than Dave. For being unmerciful and intolerant of him. For hating him. I’m so sorry. Unlove is the worst of sins. I am guilty of unlove. I pray for Dave now that you will have mercy on him; tenderly and gently wake him up to his true desires – to know you and have you as his source of life. Bring healing to us both and set us free from the twisted desires that hold us hostage. You delight in setting the captives free. Set us free!
Jesus Filled My Desire
And that’s it! A simple prayer technique called “Praying Your Desires” was used to free me in this area. No more fury. No more head conversations. Jesus met me in the deep, desiring place of my heart. A heart filled is a heart stilled.
* Name changed to protect identity
Rayna Neises says
Kinsey,
Thanks for sharing your experience and encouraging us to look closely at our desires! Jesus is the key to all of our desires, now we just have to remember and ask Him to fill them.
Blessings,
Rayna
CoachDebLuxton says
Thank you Kinsey for sharing your heart. I know many can relate to this portion of your story. I certainly can. Many will be blessed as they realize they aren’t alone and are reminded God is still on His throne, even when we hurt.